So I have a thing…at least for now.
Deep down I don't want to believe that I'm going to have it forever. So much so that most of the time, I don't even tell people that I have it. I try to focus on the fact that other people have healed from Fibromyalgia, that means I can too, right? Every time I have a flare-up I have to wonder if that's correct, or if it's time for me to accept my fate and realize that this is something I need to resign to and learn to live with. Lately, it's starting to feel like every time I hit rock bottom, the ground opens up a huge sinkhole to reveal an even deeper rock bottom.
While it's true that the highs have been getting higher, lately the lows have been getting lower as well and the sun is getting dimmer and dimmer in those low places.
In my desperation to change I have definitely been trying to do too much when I have my good energy days. I get all kinds of optimistic and hopeful.
“I'm going to be free of Fibromyalgia!” I scream out, fist-pumping like I'm at the club. In my Pollyanna like state, I frantically sign up for every course, read every article, try every new modality because one of these HAS to be the answer. All the while, completely oblivious to the fact that I am teetering precariously on the tightrope as it hovers above my ever-lowering rock bottom cavern below.
I start all of it at once, meaning that none of those things ever get fully completed. All of them eventually left sitting dusty and crumpled in a pile in the corner until I ascend the tall ladder to attempt to walk the wire again.
Cue the deep eye roll…
How on earth will I ever know if any of it actually works if not one of them has ever been completed? Why do I let myself get so distracted by every new shiny object? Bigger question…why do I let my high energy self believe that I'm going to be able to complete all of this stuff at the same time. Only to lose my footing and come crashing down to the rocks below. Again having to start at square one.
As I sit at the bottom of my cavern, making plans for how to get out of this place, yet again, I hesitate and begin to wonder…
Is it even worth all the struggle? All the pain, the time, the EFFORT? Will this fight even win me the war?
Something glints off the walls overhead…
It's small, but it's still there. Shining and glinting away, proving that there is a light somewhere, reflecting down into the depths far enough to been seen by my teary eyes at the bottom of the cavern. Allowing me to muster just enough strength to begin the slow ascent back to the surface above.
Here it is…Fibromyalgia.
Glaring me in the face again. For now, I have this limitation and there are times where I can't do everything I want to do…not even close in fact. So, I need to find one thing to commit to and stick to it, to full completion. That will help with the overwhelm and not seeing it through. How to decide what that will be?
Will it be:
- The weight loss course?
- The blogging course?
- The Pinterest course?
- The Fibromyalgia course?
- The EFT certification?
- The Trauma Course?
- The diet changes?
The question then becomes, which one do I think will have the biggest impact toward filling in that deep cavern? That way, when I fall again, at least this time, I don't fall so deep.
I've heard that the key to getting out of deep, dark places is to look for ways to help others. With that in mind, I've decided to go for the EFT certification. I know it's something I can do, something I can complete. It's also something that can I can help others with as I move forward on other items next in line.
I think doing some journal posts like this will help as well. It helps with accountability, belief, and it becomes a way to track my progress. A way to see what works, and what doesn't. Moving forward, I need to find the triggers, and for all that is precious stop pushing those stupid buttons in the first place.