9 Environments

Step One of ???

I've been working to figure out what direction I want to with well… everything.

There are so many things I'm interested in and yet, I still can't figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

You know how they ask you that question, “If you had no worry about money, what would you do?” I can wholeheartedly relate to Peter Gibbons in Office Space. “Nothing.”

I've been working and taking care of myself, and now my kids, for so long. I'm just tired. At this point, there's really nothing sounds like something I want to get up and do every day. I've tried extrapolating it out, imagining what I might do after I had that time to relax, and I still can't see it.

There are quite a few things I enjoy as hobbies, but nothing I'm particularly good at that I would just be thrilled to do forever.  All of my skills are just, meh. I can do it, but is it worth someone paying me to do it? No. I can sing, I can craft, I can paint, I can write…but where is the spark?

Being an entrepreneur for the last 9 years, I know I don't want to go back to being tied to a desk and someone else's schedule. However, I also know that I will do whatever it takes to take care of my family…until. No matter how much I don't like doing it, if it pays the bills for now, then that is what I'll be doing. That sturdy responsible side of me won't allow me to do anything else.

So I search. I leave my heart open. I leave my mind open to any and all possibilities. After all, they are infinite.

I've decided to continue with my micro-commitments at this time and see where that takes me. I came across a training by Lisa Nichols, called “No Matter What”. It's a 28-day training, and it came with a bonus training as well, called the 9 Environments. One of my first micro-commitments is to complete one program at a time. The 9 Environments is my choice for now. As soon as I've gone through it, then I'll start No Matter What. It looks like I should get through the 9 Environments fairly quickly.

I know that blogs are supposed to have some singular focus but I'm going to choose to take the journey strategy for now. Those who want to come along can see the transformation and hopefully I can be an inspiration to someone along the way. As I learn, as I grow, as I expand my own horizons I'll share how it's going here.

I want to say I'm excited about this journey, but to be honest, it's the same journey, the same long journey that I've been on for a while now. This is just my newest leg of it. Now, I'm looking forward to finally reaching some great destinations. =)

 

9 Environments

Blend Until Smooth

Letting go and moving forward in life is really opening up the floodgates on so many growth areas for me. Recently I finally faced going down to where I lived during high school to finish emptying out my Mom's storage unit. Moving forward in life has really disconnected me from my past and who I used to be growing up. I was meeting my brother,  and since he was running a little behind, I decided to drive around to check out the old trailer park I lived when I was there.

The town itself hasn't changed much. Many of the same stores are still there. While many others were closed or destroyed due to some major snow damage this last year. It's quite an eerie feeling to drive by the old grocery store and it's just a destroyed building now. It is a really small town so within just a couple of minutes I was driving down the road I had walked so many times before on my way to and from school. The nostalgia began to creep in as I anticipated what the little trailer park on the corner would look like. The first thing I noticed, was that I almost missed it because all but one tree had been cut down to the ground. Huge stumps 3, 4 and 5 feet wide, but now only an inch or two off the ground.

It was hard to see as I spent so much time, just walking up and down that entryway, enjoying all of the shade in summer, the light glinting through the leaves and the blanket of colored leaves in the fall. I drove in and immediately saw the first trailer we lived in and subsequently moved out of just a month or so later. Another trailer that my brother and sister had lived in. I continued on, my eyes now focusing ahead to that back corner, searching. I continued to search…and then as I got closer, the realization hit me.

My home was gone. Nothing had replaced it. The slabs were still there, but no trailer. It had become mere parking for the neighbor. The green grass I used to practice all my dance team routines, gone. The big huge tree, just a flattened stump like the rest.

Gone. 

I sat for just a minute, shocked. One of the neighbors was out, and knowing how nosy they can be, I decided I had better be on my way. I turned the corner, and there was another brother's trailer, even still has the addition he built on. Continued to drive, looked at one trailer and wondered if the same family still lived there, drove past the bar and on out.

I didn't know how much that would hit me. How empty it would make me feel. Not that I would ever want to go back, but just the fact that it doesn't even exist anymore shook me. I then drove across town to where I remembered my friend living. Knowing that her parents had died, and even she had passed on a few years back, I wasn't sure it would be there either. I never did find it. I'm not sure if it was because I missed it, or if it just isn't there anymore.

Fast forward to today. I brought home some pictures and family papers to go through and I decided that today was the day. The deepest emotions came when I was going through my dad's wallet. Mind you he died 30 years ago, and mom had been holding on to all of this stuff all this time. This has become quite the motivator to purge all of my random storage boxes, let me tell you! I do not want to make my kids have to do this. As I was emptying out the wallet, going through each piece, to make sure nothing of importance was there, I noticed two pictures of me. Down came the tears.

Dad's alcoholism was not an easy time for any of us and it did not create the best relationship between us. So many people tell such great stories about him, and yet, I don't have those memories. I have memories of what alcohol can do to a person. His death when I was 10 really wasn't a surprise. It hurt, but at the same time was a relief because I knew he was no longer in pain. Seeing those pictures enforced the knowledge that he really did love me. Something I wasn't always convinced of because he didn't get to be his best self. That and seeing his AA 12 step card. Down came the tears. He really did want to beat his addiction. He did want to be better. He did try. It was just stronger than he could bear in the end.

The other thing that I ran into was a grade card from about 1st grade or so where my teacher had written a note to my Mom. It talked about my self-esteem and how they needed to work on helping me improve. They had even put me in a special group of kids to help boost my self-confidence. It really shows a lot in how I remember that time of my life. I know that felt very much alone.

Now I know why I tend not to live in the past. There are small snippets, like the pictures in dad's wallet, that reassure that I was loved, but there are many more that move me in the other direction.

I am very grateful that I never again need to return to that town. It never truly felt like home to me and I always felt like an outsider.  The trailer not being there really is quite a good analogy for me and where I am now. As I said in the beginning, I have changed so much, and have disconnected so much from who I was growing up, there are many times I don't even think about that part of my life. The part of me that hurts. The part of me that stings deep down in my heart.

The part of me that hurts. The part of me that stings deep down in my heart.

I am encouraged about the future. It's almost as though some of those pieces of my past that are starting to disintegrate as I rebuild and become a better version of myself.

I know that 10, 5 or even 2 years ago, I couldn't have imagined that I would be at the place I am now. Fully ready to face my future. Ready to become my complete self. Not just the pieces I think everyone is going to be accepting of but completely and 100% authentically me. I've attempted this before, but I don't know that I was truly ready. It was a dipping in of my toe, but never a full-blown jump in. There were still parts of me I had no intention of talking about or parts I planned to keep from certain people.

No more. Love me, hate me,

Love me, hate me, either way…I'm still me.

Fully ready to face my future. Ready to become my complete self. Not just the pieces I think everyone is going to be accepting of but completely and 100% authentically me.

As I move forward I now get to begin to fold in the pieces of me I have been hiding.

The science nerdy side.

The law-of-attraction side.

The brain workings side.

The positive mindset side.

The quantum physics side.

The food/health side.

All of that will come out here in pieces and I'm not sure what the end result will be at this point but I'm just going to start. Share those things I find interesting and talk about them in a way that hopefully helps others understand how it all works together. At the same time, use myself as a guinea pig for some of the things I'm learning and share how that's going.

I'm just so grateful to know that many of the negative things I do remember about growing up are the very motivators for the changes I have made in my parenting style. I just want what I think most parents want… better for my children than what I had myself.

That includes a mom who is there for them, present, doing the best I can and NOT EVER GIVING UP!!

9 Environments

The Dirty On Opinions

After putting out my last post I realized now would be a good time to go over how I manage opinions.

I am very much of the belief that yes, I have opinions, thoughts and ideas, however, I am not so blind as to reject new data and be willing after considering that data to accept a different point of view.

I despise mindless debating, just for the sake of debate.

If you want to have a real conversation about something, and at the end be completely okay with both of us still believing the way we do, then okay, let's chat. If you're bashing someone simply for the fact that you have to be “right”, what is the point? I'm curious to know how many people have taken that approach and actually changed anyone's mind? Ever?

If you disagree with someone, that's completely okay. Believe it or not, it does not invalidate your own opinion. Two people can and do believe in different things and the world will keep spinning.

If your beliefs are so foundational to who you are that the mere inkling of the thought that you might have it wrong, scares you so much you are yelling and protesting and bashing people left and right…

You might want to have that looked at. Just sayin'

I don't believe we all have to have the exact same ideas, beliefs, and stances. It is our diversity that makes our world so amazing. I believe in accepting people where they are, fully understanding that their personal experience led them to that belief. I am actually at a much more accepting and understanding place now than at any time in my history.

Do I get riled about certain things? Sure.

Will my world end, if after a conversation, I didn't change someone's opinion to perfectly match my own? No.

Can I still breathe in a world where people believe that there should absolutely be pumpkin spice everything? Well, um.. still yes.

Can I wish it was dialed back? Sure. Does it affect my day, if I don't focus on it? Not one bit.

I despise labels and one of the biggest problems I see right now is the willingness to lump everyone under these labels, then to make blind assumptions that every single person that has that “label” has the exact same beliefs.

I much prefer to get to know someone, THEN have an idea of who they are and what they believe. I try really hard to make my own opinions of people and not to lump someone into whatever camp just because they posted a certain meme.

It really shuts down communication and I am at a point that I live in curiosity more than any other place.

I truly want to get to know someone and what their life is like. Not just, “Oh, you're a ‘x' label? Next!” No thanks.

I love people too much for that.

So why all this groundwork about what I believe about opinions?

Well, because as I said in my last post, I'm going to be letting my true self shine much more. This means I will be letting my own opinions, ‘off leash' so to speak.

To set some clear expectations I want people to know that, just because I believe this way, doesn't mean that I really and truly feel that I'm ever going to convince anyone to my way. Nor do I feel compelled to. It's rather freeing, to be honest.

I appreciate a good open-minded conversation.  Where both parties are more about understanding than convincing. It makes for a much better dialogue and potential learning experience.

As I've said before, I absolutely despise mindless debate. So if you've come to the site/page/social media to troll.

You will be blocked.

Your comment will be deleted.

Do not pass go.

Do not collect $200.

No, I will not be blindly deleting any opinions that vary from my own. I just won't endure hatred and division, just for the sake of your entertainment, boredom, or lack of anything better to do.

However, I will absolutely engage in mindful, heartfelt conversations. I appreciate those very much. I am very mindful of my own cognitive dissonance and work hard to not allow it to keep me ignorant about a topic.

My goal is to spread more love and understanding. I will not stand idly by and give hate a place to breathe here.

Going forward, let's all have a good time, learn a lot and keep it positive.

After all, what you look for… you will find.

100% of the time.