I've been sitting back and holding in my opinions and ideas so long I sometimes wonder if I even truly exist anymore.
I admit, much of that was of my own seclusion. I know now, that I did it from a place of pain, a place of hurt and misunderstanding. Trying desperately to protect myself from further harm, I just flat out quit putting “me” out there and began to put on masks and bandages to cover and heal all those wounds.
What exactly am I so afraid of?
Offending someone? HA! I need not be concerned there. If they are the type to get offended, then it won't just be me, it will be anyone and everyone who says or does something that sets off whatever their ‘trigger' is.
Being rejected? I'm alone now, and yet, for the most part, pretty happy. They really couldn't take that away from me, unless I allow it. Okay…next.
Alienating people? This is the one I find has been the biggest hurdle. I do have a heart that deeply does not want to hurt others and I think many times I fear that by sharing my opinion, others will fear that now I will not accept them and theirs. Thus causing pain. However, here's the kicker… This would mean that they don't know the real me.
And there we are. Whose fault is that?
Nobody else to blame but myself for that one. I can't expect others to know me if I'm never putting me out there.
So here's the deal. I'm going to be throwing off the bowlines, following my heart, heading straight into the storm and allowing all of the years of masks and wrappings to fall away.
**Whoa! I totally pulled a Moana right there.
I don't know exactly who I'm going to find under all of that mess but I know she's in there. Screaming. Pining to one day be allowed to speak again. To b r e a t h e again.
I don't know if it's because I'm 40 now?
Because I'm so aware of my kids that are watching me now?
Because I'm just so absolutely sick of it all?
I don't even care the reason anymore.
I just want OUT. I want to be FREE again.
So this is my Fair Warning. I am going to be unleashing my inner warrior princess. My past is going to be cut away, the woman I've been becoming, breaking free of the cocoon shroud I built around myself in the process.
If it makes you uncomfortable, I'm giving you permission. It's okay to step away. If I can't be me and be accepted as I truly am, then I probably need someone else in my life anyway. Feel free to move on and make room for those who ‘get it'. They won't judge so harshly and they might even be some of the first to step up and say, “You go girl!!”
Or better yet, stick around and watch the transformation. I'm sure it's going to be quite the show. I'm sure it will have heartbreak, joy, tragedy, and tons of happiness. Blasted with an absolute TON of humor, because we know, at any party, I always bring the funny. Along with some other tasty such and such.