Diagnosis & Disbelief
After pressing on a few points my doctor coolly said, “You have fibromyalgia.”
With my head spinning, I asked what that meant. The doctor did not reply with kindness, resources, or tips. Just a cold, “eat less, exercise more”. She was thin, aloof, and in the moment where the room was spinning, she seemed so tremendously disconnected from my reality.
After leaving the clinic that day, I tried going into chronic illness groups, but I didn’t vibe with them. The ones I found seemed to have a defeated culture that I refused to give in to. I wanted to believe that I could be different, that I could find a solution. Even if there was no ‘cure’, I knew there were people that were able to live life despite the illness.
When I started this journey, I wish I had known it would be a winding path, and it is intrinsically individual.
There would be a lot of bad days, but there would be also some good days sprinkled in. Persistence would matter and if I didn’t give up, I would find what worked for me.
Being a newly divorced single mom, with no support system, finding out I also had a chronic illness felt like the world was caving in on me. I didn’t have time for a chronic illness, and what did that even mean? The quick research I did at the time led to seeing how most people at the time, (even doctors) believed it was an “all in your head” diagnosis.
So, I internalized it. I felt guilt, shame, and fell into an even deeper pit of despair.
The only thing I had through it all, besides showing my kids that anything is possible, was my determination and persistence that I could somehow change my situation.
There were many times I just wanted to give up. Why couldn’t I just live in bed for the rest of my life? What is the purpose of struggling through this pain every day?
In the end, I knew that I couldn’t do that to my kids. They deserved better, and sometimes I would even believe, even for brief moments, that I deserved better.
Get Back Up Again & Again & Again
I’ve been through hell in my life, and I was somehow going to find my way out. I just didn’t know how.
I started and stopped, what feels like a thousand different things. Somehow, I still clung on to believing that there was something out there that was going to work for me.
I’m glad I didn’t give up.
While I haven’t exactly found that thing that was my “cure all”, I have found a few things that work and I understand better now, how to care for myself.
One of the biggest shifts came from understanding that though I now have limitations, it doesn’t mean I am less than.
I just needed to find my groove, my path, the tools and hacks that worked for me.
Having a chronic illness, three kids and no support network also meant that keeping a 9-5 was quite difficult. I had one for a while, then COVID hit and I haven’t been able to manage for more than a few months since. Between my flare ups being too often or too long, the kids’ sick days, and having a child with special needs, jobs were never long for my career.
I decided I would transition to a computer science career that I could work from home. I started college and about a year into my degree is when the tech crash hit and layoffs attacked the industry. I completed my degree, but entry level jobs no longer exist due to all those folks filling the lower-level positions.
I tried just as many at home jobs and businesses as I tried solutions for my chronic illness. Nothing ever stuck for me. There was always something that stood in the way. I would self-sabotage out of fear or some other believed limitation. I hid away and didn’t want to admit just how difficult life had become for us.
Finding My Path
I have spent these years trying and testing, attempting and failing. Looking back, I wish I had shared my journey, so I could look back and truly appreciate how far I have come.
What I have realized now is that sometimes, we had to go through certain periods of our lives, not because we needed to fail, but because we needed to learn. Now I have the privilege of starting from experience, not from scratch.
Rest was the biggest tool I have in my arsenal. Being a single mom, rest was not always an option. Especially when the kids were little. Now that the kids are older and can sustain themselves, I am more able to take a day here and there to fully rest and let my body recuperate.
Other things that have worked for me over the years:
- Physical tools, like timers and using a chair in the kitchen.
- Reading about mindset and neuroscience.
- EFT tapping, Body Code & neurographics.
- Curable, Fitbit and meditation apps.
In fact, EFT helped me so much that I spent some time going through certification to help others with it. However, at the time, my children were still young enough that they didn’t understand that mom needed quiet time for appointments.
Unfortunately, I was still in quite the perfection mindset and thought I had to be perfect and placed that on a shelf. Now, as I sit at home because I have a sick kiddo, (a bit grateful, because I’m hurting quite a bit today), I’m realizing, it’s time for me to take the leap and put myself back out there.
Walking the Path Forward
I don’t have it all figured out, I’m still figuring out life and balance. I know now, healing isn’t about trying to get back to who I used to be, but instead to find what works, and how I can be my best me now.
If you’re on a similar path, I’d like to invite you to join me. Let’s walk together and help to clear the path for those following behind us. Some days we’ll take a seat and rest on a bench, and other days we’ll feel like we’re running, (Seriously, not really though. This girl DOES NOT run.), but as long as we take the smallest of baby steps consistently, we’ll reach pinnacles.
Serving others is one of the most healing things you can do, and I’m here to do just that. I’ll share what I’ve learned and provide whatever guidance I can along the way.
I’m going to be sharing some of the neuroscience I’ve learned, EFT tapping scripts, and other tools and tricks I’ve learned in hopes that you can find what works for you. Let’s go for a walk. Together.
